By Way Of Introduction

I decided to start this blog as a place to put all of my musings on motherhood, because it's a singular experience in my life and I think it deserves its own space. Mothering is a choice I consciously made, after a great deal of thought and introspection, and it continues to be an endeavor that I take VERY seriously. I love thinking about it, I love talking about it, and I love doing it. I love being a mother as much as I love my daughter; I love her because she made me into a mother.

A few weeks ago, on a message board I participate in a comment was made that women have babies because we don't have the "chutzpah" to accomplish anything ourselves - so we have to do it through our children. I was shocked and so, so angered by the comment, because the message board is supposed to be a feminist one. This first post here at melodrama mama is just a re-hash of the comments that I made in response to that anger, and I think it serves as a pretty good introductory post.

I had a baby. I made an entire person out of my body. For nine months I carried her around and had to adjust every single thing I ate, breathed in, or put on my skin to keep her safe. I pushed her out into the world - an act that literally tore my body asunder - without the benefit of painkillers. I endangered my own life to give her life.

Now that she's here, I contend on a daily basis with terrifying, unmentionable dangers: That she'll be kidnapped in the grocery store, or someone will tamper with her formula, or she'll die of SIDS when she's in her crib, four feet away from where I'm sleeping, and I won't know it until the morning. I deal with judgment from total strangers over every choice I make regarding her care. I navigate the complexities of having a career (which I wanted to continue for its own sake, not simply out of economic need) while being sleep-deprived and half-distracted, all the time. My relationship with my husband has been changed at its very foundation, and I'm re-learning how to be a wife when I've added "and mother" to my identity. I struggle every day to find a balance between being the center of a tiny universe, a supportive and engaged partner, and an autonomous person with my own interests.

People who have such disdain for the act of mothering think it's just a brainless biological choice that we make out of vanity or a lack of imagination. Or, in the context of the offensive quote about mothers' lack of chutzpah, we have children because we're too timid to change the world ourselves. But this job? Takes more courage than anything I've ever done in my life, it takes more courage than I actually HAVE. Chutzpah? Honey, I am MADE of chutzpah.

And this denigration of motherhood isn't just about mothers. It's about every woman who makes choices in the face of other women insisting those choices aren't good enough. Even other women who claim to be feminists - especially other women who claim to be feminists. What kind of feminism is that? I don't see how any concept of feminism can include denigrating mothers. Motherhood requires womanhood, and supporting other women is fundamental to feminism. Accepting it when people attack mothering is the same as accepting it when people attack women who are acadmics, who work in traditionally male jobs, who choose not to marry their partners, who CAN'T marry their partners because of homophobia...it's accepting an attack on anyone with a vagina, anywhere.

We're all in this together, us women. If we don't support one another and if we're not able to draw strength from each others' experiences, then we might as well give in and accept the world the way it is. And that's not behavior I'm willing to teach my daughter - or accept for myself.

- H.