Not Ready

Tomorrow M goes into daycare. Up until now, she's had a nanny and stayed in our house, but our nanny got another job. And I don't want to quit my job, so day care it is.

I'm a nervous wreck tonight. I cried as I was putting her to bed, because she has no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm going to walk away from her and leave her crying in a strange place with strange people, and stay gone for several hours. Right now I feel like a terrible, terrible person.

Rationally, I know this is ok. Is, in fact, going to be GOOD for her. She's one now, she needs other babies to play with and the stimulation of a new environment. Our apartment is too small; she doesn't have a lot of room to play. I trust the day care we've selected; I'm very pleased with the curriculum and I think it has a lot to offer her. I also think that after an adjustment period, she'll be fine and she'll actually quite enjoy it. I'm just afraid that the adjustment period is going to be MONTHS instead of weeks, and to be perfectly honest I'm more afraid for my sake than for hers. I know that crying won't hurt her; I know that no matter how long it lasts it won't be long-term traumatic; I know that it will benefit her development.

But none of that seems to carry as much weight as knowing that tomorrow, I'm going to leave her crying.

I can't reconcile myself to that. When she cries, I react viscerally. Before anyone else could, I could distinguish the meaning of her different newborn cries. I've spent the last year running to her as soon as she starts crying, and I've always been able to make it better. It seems a horrible contradiction, completely counter-intuitive, to purposely ignore her tears.

Motherhood is a continual process of separation. From the moment they're born, our babies move away from us. It's the way it's supposed to happen, and really, it's what I want to happen. I want M to grow up to be an independent, secure woman; I want her to continue to become the delightful little person that she's meant to be. But tonight, I want to hold her to me and not let go, to make sure that she doesn't cry and knows that she is my beloved.